Saturday, April 27, 2013

I am healthy~

Just before I start typing this entry, I was watching a video on a facebook. I cannot hide the mixed feelings I had watching the 41 seconds long clip that was recorded after a Friday prayer in Putrajaya. Surprised, moved and somewhat happy. 

This year election would be the first time I shall cast my vote, insyaAllah. Aaa yes yes, I am not 21 years old this year but I have reasons you see… 

In 2004, I was in the UK. 

In 2008, I was in Australia.

Yes. You are right again. These two reasons are not acceptable.

Truth must be told. I was not registered until two years after the 2004 election. I know! That’s bad! But before you go throwing me buckets of paint, allow me to clarify myself as follows:
  1. I don’t know that we have to register to be allowed to vote. I have always thought that it is an automatic process. 
  2. Even if I knew that I have to register, I don’t know where to register. (I only knew where to register after being bombarded at Kem Bina Negara)
  3. I didn’t know that all I have to do is to fill in a pink sheet and submit the form at the Post Office. If I’ve knew it sooner, I would have not missed to cast my vote in London in March 2004. (Baik tak alasan?)
  4. For the 2008, I was following the updates on the election closely but simply could not make myself to cast the postal vote. Why you asked me? The polling is not in Brisbane :(.

Anyway… that said… I can tell you that I admit that the reasons are not good enough.

You see, being mathematically inclined, history has always been my kryptonite (Yes, Superman is my all time favorite super hero!!!) for one and only one reason – I hate memorization simply because I am bad at it!! (I could hear myself screaming ‘Nooooo’ again)

In my upper secondary years, when reading the history of Malaysia, I developed this feeling of why-should-I-care-who’s-the-leader-of-this-country kind of attitude. At that time, I don’t know who is who and what is what. If anyone had asked me back then, I had always believed that Malaysia is a peaceful and well developing country. To top it up, I believed that the opposition party is bad as in ungrateful and extremist. I also had the feelings that the government had done so much and it is high time for the people to give something in return. Yes, I am very patriotic (which always come second after Islam ;-)).    

Then something happened in September 1998. For the record, I didn't know what was happening at that time. I only knew what ‘really’ happened long after the event took place. Why? Hmm… well, I was in a boarding school… and I was sitting for SPM that year and I didn't get to watch the news and… and… *saying under my breath* I didn't read the newspaper. 

Reflecting back those years, I must say kudos to my fellow mates who knew and care to know on what’s happening in Malaysia. I remember clearly in one occasion, a classmate from Penang shared us something in which shifted a small degree of my perspective towards understanding the politics in Malaysia. It was on the case in which religious leaders were banned from the mainstream media after voicing their opinion to some leaders. Being skeptic, I make further research to validate the story in which resulted me getting more from what I have bargained for.

After a while, the urge to know more disappear… as fast as it had come (Alasan? Focus SPM weii~). Then soon after, I was left being political ignorant yet again. Memanglah Melayu (in my case Melacin) mudah lupa.

Then came college followed by degree years. 

My political views have not changed much since my first acquaintance with it. Not until in my final year i.e. the 2004 election year. 

During that time, I had a few rounds of serious and heavy discussions on what is politic in Islam. That was also when my insight towards politic has changed 180 degree. I began to understand the importance of being politically literate. 

In 2006 I had to attend my third BTN. Being someone who I considered as a toddler in politic, I accidentally made myself the trainer’s punching bag. HOhOHOhohoHO.. It was to the extent that a member of my group told me quietly not to say too much if I want to pass the camp to enable me to do my PhD. Yup..I took heed of the suggestion. 

So what am I trying to sell you this time? This entry is especially for those who might have the same idea as I was way back then i.e. being politically illiterate. 

You see, if you are a Muslim than you actually have no reason to say no to politic. Islam covers every inch of our daily lives which include jeng-jeng-jeng - POLITIC. So, for one to say, “I could care less who’s the leader of this country” or “this politic is too dirty and I don’t want to be part of it” would be all wrong. If you are one these two (or yang sewaktu denganya), then you need to change. You need to start digging. Do more readings. Find out more. Discuss on the issues. Ask questions if you must. But do it all with an open mind. 

Next Sunday is another history in the making. It is important that all Malaysian to be dutiful to the country. My only hope is that it would be a fair election.

I am a responsible Malaysian. I want a better Malaysia. I AM FOR HEALTHY POLITIC! :-D

"And hold firmly to the rope of Allah all together and do not become divided. And remember the favor of Allah upon you - when you were enemies and He brought your hearts together and you became, by His favor, brothers. And you were on the edge of a pit of the Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus does Allah make clear to you His verses that you may be guided." Qur'an 3:103

Thursday, April 4, 2013

A detour..

There were so many things to be digested in the last few weeks. March 2013 will be surely remembered – for all the good reasons that is.

It was in February when I first confirmed the good news.  The good news was I was having my third. I have been looking forward to have the third since Ibrahim is already going into his third year. Jia on the other hand has been pestering me to get herself another baby sister. And so, how would I not be super elated after getting two lines on the tester!

Early March, I got my first and only sister-in-law only three months after I managed to secure another brother-in-law! Both wedding ceremonies have been exciting. We had so much fun.

Then, for the first time ever, Yaby said yes to an ad hoc family trip to Cameron during the semester break. We stayed for three days along with Chena’s happy family. Though I must say that Cameron Highland didn’t reach to my expectations, I have not regretted the decision we’ve made going up there. Being with Chena’s family was worth the long winding trip especially for Jia and Ibrahim.

Came Saturday, 30th March 2013, I went for my first ultrasound check up at twelve weeks.. that is after having 2 days of spotting.

Before the doctor began the scan, I hold the doctor’s hand telling her that I was worried about the baby. She replied with a smile – “there is nothing to worry about. It is normal”. Within that first few seconds, her words have been reassuring. Then came her next line,

“She’s is definitely pregnant. But where is the baby?”

That was when I found myself lost in my own thoughts. Among the questions that I had in mind was, “is this for real?”

The doctor suggested TVS in which we managed to locate the baby. I remember smiling in which lasted not long enough to left some comfort in my heart. My heart and mind were racing again when the doctor told me that there was no fetal heartbeat.

“Amelia, you had a miscarriage. I am sorry”

It took me a few seconds to sink everything in. I couldn’t remember much detail after that but I do remember water pouring down my cheeks.

Coming back from the hospital, Yaby and I did a lot of search on the web wanting to find anything that could suggest that I might still have the baby. I only stopped after comparing all three 12 weeks scan which I had for Jia, Ibrahim and the baby. The latest was different from the first two. That was also when I said to myself – this must have happened for a reason and I must accept it as a test from Allah. That night, Yaby came to me. While pointing towards Jia and Ibrahim, Yaby said, “we must cherished more of what we have.”

I did wake up in the middle of the night thinking how it could have happened or have I did something wrong and started crying all over again. But Alhamdulillah, I am glad that I am surrounded with great families and friends that kept reminding me again and again to accept this lost as a test from Allah. Among the beautiful encouraging messages I received were;
 “La yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus’aha (Allah does not burden a person with something more than he can bear (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:286)…” 
“…you are the selected few…” 
“…I heard the news in which we claimed to be bad news, but it is actually the best in the sight of Allah…”

Last Monday, I had my D&C. Before I went into the operation room, Yaby said and did something that made me realized how blessed I am and how much I should always be grateful no matter what. I love you Yaby. To Jia, thank you for all the Doa. I love you Jia. To Ibrahim, thank you for feeding mi-mi kerepek ubi to stop me from crying. I love you Ibrahim. May Allah bless all of you.. always.

My take on this incident.. Some women didn’t want babies but got them easily. Some women prayed to have babies but they have not got any. For some other group of women, they want babies, got them but lost them before they got to see the babies. We all knew that ‘everything is from Allah and to Allah everything shall return’. While only Allah knows the reasons for everything, here is my say about what could be the reason for the three different groups.

For the first group, for most of them, I would like to quote what my naqibah told me during my first visit to Raudah Sakinah, “Perhaps, if they didn’t get pregnant, they would still be committing zina and would not repent to Allah…”. For the second group, perhaps each night when they woke up in middle of the night praying to Allah hoping to get a child, they are in the best of Iman and Allah loves to see them in that state. Last but not least, the group I’m in, maybe.. perhaps, after getting the news of having a baby, I didn’t do as much good deed as before. So Allah took it back, because He misses seeing me doing good deeds.  Allahu ‘alam.

Although I did cry my heart out after receiving the news, I know that there is nothing bad about losing my little Ismail since everything must have happened for a reason. I know it must have happened for no other reason but to my benefit. In a way, my reset buttons of “I-must-appreciate-more” and “I-must-always-be-grateful” have been reset once again. I thank you Allah for everything that You have and have not given me. I love you Allah.

p/s: Special thanks to K Ju.. may Allah reward you adequately .. Amin..